Hey Lemoners, time to introduce you to a new feature I’m going to call “The Outsider’s Guide to Action Movies.” This is to fill a genuine need that I didn’t realize was actually an issue for a long time. We all knew that comedy and action films are a pretty conventionally male arena. Most action stars are men, and when women take the lead they are often fetishized for their “Super Girl” status. (Think Buffy, Ripley, etc.) The truth is, it’s hard to get into action movies when you’re not a member of their target demographic, but if you don’t watch them, you’re missing out on a whole chunk of pop culture. Not knowing that chunk of culture makes you an outsider, like a person who doesn’t know sports feels left out in an environment where success is indicated by being told you’re a “slam dunk” or that you landed that “Hail Mary Pass.” But guess what? Unlike sports, which can be an acquired taste, there are so many different action movies, and I promise there’s one out there for you. So let go, and get ready to find out why everyone keeps saying “Yippee-ki-yay mother–” That’s right. It’s Die Hard.
But first, let me explain some basic features that you’ll see in every one of these entries.
How To Fake Having Seen It: This is your cheat sheet for bars, dates, and the ever so awkward family reunion when you try to bond with your third cousins
Line That Sums the Film Up: What It Sounds Like
Verdict: See It or Skip It
Bonus Round: The extra stuff that sweetens the deal.
Without further ado…
You really haven’t seen Die Hard? Shame on you! It’s even a Christmas movie!
You didn’t know that? Oh, but you saw Live Free or Die Hard? No. No. Watch this movie now. Why? Because you will understand the 80s. And men. And Christmas. And America.
John McClane (Bruce Willis) crashes a Christmas party in a high-rise building in order to talk to his estranged wife, but Hans Gruber (the brilliant Alan Rickman) and his terrorist friends have other plans. They take all the party guests hostage, but they don’t count on John McClan–you know what it’s just Bruce Willis. This is one of the most iconic roles of all time. They don’t count on Bruce Willis being Bruce Willis.
Did I mention it’s the 80s? The soundtrack. The SOUNDTRACK:
Also, exchanges like this were allowed to happen because it was the 80s and terrorists couldn’t actually have done anything for ideals. It’s about money. Always. So that money can trickle down.
John McClane: I didn’t realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.
Joseph Takagi: Hey, we’re flexible. Pearl Harbor didn’t work out so we got you with tape decks.
How to Fake Having Seen It: “God the glass scene. Jeeezus.”
Line That Sums Up the Film:
Hans Gruber: Who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?
John McClane: Was always kinda partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really like those sequined shirts.
Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.