Damn those ruffians.

If you’re a frequent reader, you know it’s not often that I drop the f bomb in a column. This is why I need you to fully understand how serious I am about hating anti-Stratfordians.

What is an anti-Strafordian, you say? Well, when a snooty, elitist academic and a conspiracy theorist love each other very much and really need tenure — You know what? Just watch this trailer for Anonymous.

The anti-Stratfordians believe that William Shakespeare, the son of a Catholic glove maker, wasn’t educated or rich enough to write what are pretty much the greatest works in the English canon.  Shakespeare’s incredible works range from hilarious sex comedy to heartbreaking tragedy to bloody political thriller. It’s blockbuster television written in iambic pentameter, and many academics and eccentric rich people believe that the man we call Shakespeare wasn’t smart or experienced enough to write them.

This wonderful article in the Guardian does a great job of dissecting  the historical outlook that leads to anti-Stratfordism:

Nobody doubted that Shakespeare had written his own plays until the 1850s. The first claim to the contrary is Delia Bacon’s article William Shakespeare and his Plays; an Inquiry Concerning Them, printed in Putnam’s Magazine (in 1856). Bacon thought the Complete Plays represented a deliberate attempt to spread enlightenment, modernity and progress, and that rather than being the work of a single supremely talented showbusiness professional they must have been written by an occult committee of world-designing philosophers. Its leader, she hinted, could only have been Sir Francis Bacon, who had somehow scheduled its meetings in between his other duties as attorney general and his efforts to invent empirical science.

Delia Bacon died in an asylum after failing to find a single piece of evidence in favour of her claim, but her example has not inhibited successive waves of other champions, who have credited the plays to Francis Bacon alone, to Christopher Marlowe, to the Fifth Earl of Rutland, to the Sixth Earl of Derby, to the 17th Earl of Oxford, and even to Queen Elizabeth I, among many others. The obvious truth that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare, sadly, is not news, and popular journalism since the 1850s has preferred news at all costs.

Someone with a Ph.D. can probably do a better job of quickly articulating the myriad historical inaccuracies and implausibilities one has to accept in order to disbelieve Shakespeare. (The most obvious being that so many of his friends and enemies refer to him as the author of the plays of William Shakespeare, including the Queen of England, and no one questioned authorship until batty Miss Bacon, who seemed to just be writing fan fiction about her possible ancestor. There’s also the issue that none of the alternate candidates that have been suggested were alive for the length of Shakespeare’s writing career, a career that was topical in the way South Park episodes are, precluding the the argument that the plays were stockpiled and then released after the “actual” author’s death in order to maintain the ruse.)

The New York TImes Magazine dissects Anonymous‘s particular historical failings and plot holes, and James Shapiro’s brilliant book Contested Will explores the broader implications of authorship doubt more fully than I ever could in this blog post.

That said, I need to explain to you, friend, why I dismiss your conspiracy theory with the same offense that I would a Holocaust denier or someone who advocated that 9/11 was an inside job.

The primary argument that many anti-Stratfordians make focuses on William Shakespeare’s class and schooling (or lack thereof.) It’s true that Shakespeare was the son of  a glove maker and local politician who had gotten into trouble with the authorities for hiding Catholic priests in his home. Shakespeare’s father ran into a few money troubles and the family was partially disgraced because of this and the Catholic arrests. Baby Shakespeare would have attended grammar school like any local boy, where he would’ve learned to read and write by reading and transcribing classic literature in Greek and Latin.

Baby Shakespeare you are adorable but that ball is too lopsided to bounce. You're so silly Baby Shakespeare!

He would have also studied rhetoric at this school, one of the most well funded and respected in the county. An English Renaissance grammar education is often described as being the equivalent of a B.A. in Classics at an Ivy League university.

Yet, anti-Stratfordians argue that Shakespeare’s classical education doesn’t explain the [flawed] understanding of geography and history presented in his plays. These internally inconsistent knowledge bases are supposedly proof that the plays of Shakespeare were written by one of his betters. Often Edward de Vere, the Earl of Oxford, or Sir Francis Bacon are posited.

The de Vere argument is seductive in part because it provides an Elizabethan version of the Batman story. Edward de Vere, often thought to be privileged drunkard playboy whose parents’ deaths brought him into the care of Queen Elizabeth (who is Alfred in this story), suddenly decided that criminals (errr…playgoers) are a superstitious, cowardly lot and that he could best do his work with an alter ego: Batm– err William Shakespeare. Nevermind the fact that de Vere was already a published playwright under his own name.

Yes, none of de Vere’s texts survive to this day. That could have been censorship. It could also be that we only have a fraction of the literature from the 16th and early 17th century. The texts that survive had to be the right combination of hegemonic narrative and popular hits. (Shakespeare’s collected works are an exception because his friends felt the need to preserve everything rather than just his greatest hits, which had been published several times in “quartos” before the First Folio appeared.) Publication depended on both commercial success and approval of those empowered to finance the printing of texts (i.e. Brecht would not have done very well.) Once published, the preservation of those texts to the present day required continued relevance, timelessness, and plain dumb luck.

De Vere also seemed to be more focused on producing plays for court than for the public, so the demand for quartos of his work would be smaller. (The English Renaissance was the time that a middle or merchant class truly began to form in the country, as the Tudors and later the Stuarts were forced to move away from feudalism. Merchants bought books. Lots of books. It was a sign of status that the middle class could afford.)

The other issue with trying to find de Vere quartos is that he probably wrote a lot less plays than an Elizabethan playwright usually did. He was a nobleman. He had to fight in wars, manage several estates, and suck up to the Queen on a monthly, even weekly basis. (That stuff takes time away from composing verse.) There are many reasons de Vere’s works could have been lost to history and only a few of them involve vast conspiracies. Guess which ones Anonymous goes with?

In that New York Times Magazine article, Stephen Marche points out that “Real life lacks narrative tension; that’s why people go to the movies.” This is a fair statement. Biopics run into this problem all the time. A full life is rarely satisfactorily dramatic.  We don’t know much about de Vere, but we know even less about Shakespeare. This is part of why the Oxfordian theory is so seductive. We love our tragic, disenfranchised princes. (Just ask Hamlet.) A lot of people love a really weird conspiracy theory.

So I shouldn’t have gotten so upset at this woman outside the movie theater, going on and on about how cool Anonymous was going to be. “It makes sense, you know?” she said to her friend. It makes sense that a poor man could never so convincingly write about kings and princesses, wars and intrigues. Never mind Euripides, Zeami, or any number of playwrights who wrote beautifully about kings, merchants, women, and demons, having never been any of those themselves. It makes sense that only an aristocrat would support the aristocracy in their work, not a middle class worker. Never mind the millions of Republican lower class voters who consistently vote for policies that elevate the riches’ needs instead of their own, or the fact that Shakespeare aspired to nobility his whole life. (One of his major purchases once he became successful was to get a coat of arms for his family, an honor his father had applied for and been refused.) It makes sense that we only write what we know, that our imaginations are small and sad and our capacity for research pathetic. Sure it does.

There’s something unbelievably beautiful and dramatic about a great playwright being brought before a queen or king, having never set foot in a place as beautiful as the palace before.

“So tell me about yourself, Mr. Shakespeare,” the virgin monarch says. “Where did you get your great wit?”

“I live in London, mam.” The whole court laughs at this, remembering the rabble outside, the prostitutes, pickpockets and vagabonds who make London the largest and most dangerous city in the country. Wit was in short supply when it came to Londoners. Having a brain required an estate.

“But where were you educated?”

“King’s New, my lady.”

The Protestant Queen wrinkles her nose. “In Stratford?”

“Yes mum.” Catholic country. Provincials.

“And who was your father?” The young man just smiles.

“I am the son of a glove maker mam.”

The tragic aristocracy can suck it. That’s a better story.

“The time has come” the Lemon said, “to talk of many things. Of men and games and high concept. Of Logan L and pings. And why Gerard Butler’s smoking hot. And what the future brings.”

Gamer is pretty high concept for an action movie. Not exactly Virtuosity high concept but we can’t all be virtual serial killer films can we?

Gamer tells the story of ex-soldier death row inmate John Tillman, alias Kable, who is forced to act as a living avatar in a Halo type death match. Controlled by a teenage gamer, Kable has to last 30 fights to earn his freedom. But rivals, society, and a very creepy Michael C. Hall stand in his way.

Let me first off say that Gamer has a dream cast. Butler plays the gruff Tillman and his controller is none other than Percy Jackson himself, Logan Lerman. Kyra Sedgwick takes a surprising turn as a talk show host who sides with the anti-cyberpunk revolutionaries (led by Ludacris) against Michael C. Hall’s creepy mind control technology.

Gamer‘s strongest element is its premise, a cyberpunk nightmare where Second Life and Halo avatars are flesh and blood people with special software in their brains that allows them to be controlled by their player. Tillman participates hoping to escape his death sentence, but his wife Angie rents out her body to a disgustingly voyeuristic gamer to earn enough money to get her daughter back. (One of the most upsetting parts of the film is the way that Angie’s player uses her with a lurid fascination and terrifying lack of empathy.)

Michael C. Hall has somehow found a character that’s scarier than Dexter Morgan in this system’s terrifying architect. As the creator of said mind control technology, Hall outfits all his guards with the software as well. With his Texas drawl and vocabulary borrowed from the most obnoxious multiplayer mockers, he is having much too much fun using people as playthings. (Did I neglect to mention that he can control everyone who has the software no matter where they are?) This all culminates in a creepy dance/fight sequence that has to be seen to be believed.

The social critique is powerful, and it’s a sobering prediction of where gamer culture could take us when the technology inevitably becomes more sophisticated. The privileged manboy voices of gaming can be heard in both Hall and Lerman’s dialogue, standing in sharp contrast with working class Butler and his family, pointing out the sad truth that gaming (and movies) are for the leisure class. With its class conscious approach, Gamer was part of the vanguard of vaguely Marxist sci-fi films like the more recent In Time. 

The sad thing is that the film never quite sizzles as wonderfully as the premise and the dance sequence suggests. The pacing’s always a bit off and it feels like an 80 meter dash with a trip at the end of the course. It also doesn’t help that no character’s through-line is very well maintained. They final boss is defeated and well, that’s the end.

How to Fake Having Seen It: “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” right dude? Say no more. Creeeeeepy.

Line That Sums the Film Up: 

Kable: What are you, twelve?
Simon: I’m seventeen, thank you.
Kable: This is unbelievable! Why am I not dead yet?
Simon: Because I am a bad-ass motherf*cker.

Verdict: See it if you’re a fan of the cast. Otherwise Skip It and read some cyberpunk fiction. After watching the dance clip.

Bonus Round: In the future Cable is spelled with a K. Also there is pistachio butter. PISTACHIO BUTTER. (Yes I know it exists now but PISTACHIO BUTTER.)

So he wanted to see Wanted and you were all “You just want to see Angelina Jolie roll around on top of a car.” Boy were you wrong.

Wanted was advertised by focusing on the gifted and gorgeous Ms. Jolie, who can still can out action star pretty much everyone, but the film’s real focus is the journey of James McAvoy’s Wesley, an office drone even more impotent that Edward Norton’s Narrator from Fight Club. Dressed in ill-fitting shirts and chugging anti-anxiety medication, Wesley feels pretty worthless until a mysterious woman comes up to him in a grocery store and the next thing he knows, everyone is shooting. After being told that he’s important by Morgan Freeman (DON’T YOU WISH MORGAN FREEMAN THOUGHT YOU WERE IMPORTANT?), he is asked to join the secret Fraternity of Assassins. There are lots of plot twists and turns, many of which are genuinely surprising, so I will not discuss them here. Suffice it to say, this is not a rewarmed Fight Club remake, or a Harry Potter-style very special boy finds out he’s very special story. Sure it’s got lots of those obligatory training sequences and Jolie writhing in slow motion, but when Wesley flips a car in order to kill a mobster who’s listening to “Time to Say Goodbye,” flying over the man in slow motion, saying “I’m sorry” as he fires, or when rat bombs (as in bombs attached to rats) are a major plot device, how can you not crack a smile?

It’s McAvoy who really shines here, playing a neurotic American to the nines, avoiding the usual Brit monotone that comes with the change in dialect in favor of a willowy, wavering tremor that is both endearing and appropriately grating. (We have to want Wesley to change in order to buy into the bildungsroman, Wesley’s journey to find out who he is, to come into himself.) There’s eye candy for everyone here, and twists and turns for all. This is one movie that won’t break your relationship.

How To Fake Having Seen It: “Gorgeous fights, but so f*cking nihilist. And genuinely complex. How’re we supposed to feel about fate at the end?”

Line That Sums The Film Up: “Six weeks ago I was ordinary and pathetic. Just like you.”

Verdict: See It

Bonus Round: Ever want to hear Morgan Freeman drop the f bomb? Your wish is director Timur Bekmambetov’s command.

But first, let me explain some basic features that you’ll see in every one of these entries.

How To Fake Having Seen It: This is your cheat sheet for bars, dates, and the ever so awkward family reunion when you try to bond with your third cousins

Line That Sums the Film Up: What It Sounds Like

Verdict: See It or Skip It

Bonus Round: The extra stuff that sweetens the deal.

Without further ado…

You really haven’t seen Die Hard? Shame on you! It’s even a Christmas movie!

You didn’t know that? Oh, but you saw Live Free or Die Hard? No. No. Watch this movie now. Why? Because you will understand the 80s. And men. And Christmas. And America.

John McClane (Bruce Willis) crashes a Christmas party in a high-rise building in order to talk to his estranged wife, but Hans Gruber (the brilliant Alan Rickman) and his terrorist friends have other plans. They take all the party guests hostage, but they don’t count on John McClan–you know what it’s just Bruce Willis. This is one of the most iconic roles of all time. They don’t count on Bruce Willis being Bruce Willis.

Did I mention it’s the 80s? The soundtrack. The SOUNDTRACK:

Also, exchanges like this were allowed to happen because it was the 80s and terrorists couldn’t actually have done anything for ideals. It’s about money. Always. So that money can trickle down.

John McClane: I didn’t realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.
Joseph Takagi: Hey, we’re flexible. Pearl Harbor didn’t work out so we got you with tape decks.

How to Fake Having Seen It: “God the glass scene. Jeeezus.”

Line That Sums Up the Film: 

Hans Gruber: Who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?
John McClane: Was always kinda partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really like those sequined shirts.
Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Bonus Round: 

Per Favreau’s request, I’m going to avoid talking about the film’s many twists, turns, and alien designs, but he also requested a spreading of the word, a contributing to the cloud, as it were.

I’m sure they’ll be a lot of comments about the gorgeous sound design and score, the myriad invocations of classic Westerns. (In many ways it’s The Searchers with aliens and a Man With No Name for good measure. This is not at all a bad thing. In fact, if you haven’t seen the films Favreau and his team are referencing, you may have your brain broken by the distinctly different pacing and composition of the filmmaking and storytelling, especially in comparison with more standard tentpole features like the pre-Avengers movies or Avatar.

In many ways, Cowboys & Aliens is one of the most structurally sound films I’ve seen in a really long time. So much so that I plan to donate a whole post to that structure after the film is released and I’m not spoiling everyone who wasn’t in Santa Monica or San Diego.

Something I do want to point out is that in many ways Cowboys & Aliens is a story about who is allowed to have catharsis, who’s allowed to kill the monster. I don’t want to give anything away, but if you’re a regular reader of the blog, go to the cineplex and bring your dialectic mind. Keep asking yourself “Who’s the monster here?” I feel a paper coming on, don’t you? Also, ummmm EXPLOSIONS + ANTHROPOMORPHIC LENS + = WINNING. (Lowbrow fangirl enough?)

A very important Daniel Craig related side note: Favreau said something that I found a little hard to believe. He talked about a new era in film, an end to the rule of the movie star. While speaking to a mostly older audience he said that a lot of young people [advertisers' primary audience] don’t come to the movies to see Harrison Ford or Daniel Craig. You can’t just use stars to sell movies anymore. As one of those young people, and as a former eight year old girl who insisted to her mother that she was going to marry Han Solo, I was a bit confused. James Bond and Indiana Jones can’t sell a film? Society is doomed.

So, as a public service, I offer Daniel Craig and Catherine Tate’s Comic Relief sketch from a few years ago, which hinges on Craig’s status as a sex symbol in the UK, yet, as Elaine (Tate), his current girlfriend, confides, “He says he’s an actor but I’ve never heard of him.”

There are cowboys guys. And Apaches. And Aliens. And a dog. And movie stars! Let’s rebuild society. I don’t want to live in a world where people don’t go to a movie like this, that harkens back to an older era, casts leading men against type, and aspires to be “a smart dumb movie” (to quote Favreau.)

Progress, regress, or just delicious? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

IN THE UK THERE IS A POPSICLE OF HIS TORSO. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO HE IS?

This is when the summer powerhouses come out to play, and when the major networks drop in for a visit, so without further ado:

9 PM

Burn Notice (USA)

The funny thing about Burn Notice is that four seasons and two added major characters later it’s still one of the best summer shows on television. The original modern spy story, Burn Notice stars Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen, a “burned” spy who is forced to basically become a covert freelancer when he’s dumped in Miami. His primary team is best friend Sam (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness) and his ex- and then current girlfriend Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar, The Tudors). In later seasons Sharon Gless was added as his mother, and Coby Bell joined as another burned spy who doesn’t know that Michael’s to blame for his termination. This show can be boiled down to great action sequences, explosions, pretty people and locations, and a great sense of humor about itself and the genre. Burn Notice is the series that started it all for the USA network.

10 PM

Rookie Blue (ABC)

Hey guys! Another cop show! Rookie Blue is often described as the Grey’s Anatomy of cop shows, and that description’s pretty accurate. Though Blue lacks the depth of interesting supporting cast that early Grey’s had, and you’re not really going to see anything new here, the second season brings back the procedural soap with a vengeance. (I use procedural loosely. If you’re looking for a case that needs solving, these rookies are probably too busy talking about their feelings to catch bad guys. But the leads on Grey’s had a strange amount of downtime too. If all doctors and cops had the time to makeout in supply closets and evidence lockers as often as these soap stars, we wouldn’t need a complete overhaul of our healthcare and justice systems.)

vs.

Wilfred (FX)

Wilfred is quite possibly the most consistently funny sitcom I have ever seen. It’s also one of the loopiest premises, on loan from Australia. Original show co-creator Jason Gann stars as the title character, an anthropomorphized dog that only Elijah Wood can see. To be clear, everyone sees Jason Gann as a dog, and Ryan (Elijah Wood) sees Jason Gann. The best part of this show is that it both uses and doesn’t need the premise. Gann and Wood’s banter would be funny if it was said by two stoners in a basement but when it’s a dog and Frodo (or not in either case), a certain hilarious alchemy happens. Wilfred is part dog, part life coach, or as one of he co-creators describes him “part Labrador Retriever and part Russell Crowe on a bender.” It’s definitely an acquired taste, but if you can’t sympathize with a suicidal young man with no prospects who needs to take control of his life and wonders if there’s something wrong with him, you’re probably too busy spending your bailout money to watch television anyway.

vs.

Futurama (Comedy Central)

The futuristic animated comedy from Simpsons creator Matt Groening has moved to Comedy Central from its former home at Fox. All your favorites are still here: Leela, Fry, and of course Zoidberg and Bender. If you like The Simpsons, you’re pretty much guaranteed to like this. It’s like Flash Gordon made love to Marge.

vs.

Suits (USA)

The best way to describe Suits is probably a contemporary Mad Men with lawyers. The show has the same sleek silhouette as the AMC staple, and though the premise sounds a bit like other USA favorite Psych, Suits pulls a lot of drama and class out of its young associate with an eidetic memory (i.e. he reads it, he knows it) and the cynical veteran attorney who hires him despite his lack of a law degree. Suits has gotten mixed reviews because a lot of reviewers don’t know what to do with it. (The USA Today review has more vitriol than I’ve ever seen USA Today direct at anything. Where was this when you saw Transformers, guys?) Suits‘ premise suggests a tongue in cheek goof-off using his close to superpowers to sneak around his stuffy superiors (i.e. Psych), but Suits is not that. It’s not a bromance like Franklin & Bash or an improbable theatrical walk and talker like Boston Legal. It’s Mad Men set now, except Peggy’s a stoner Millenial who got kicked out of law school and Gabriel Macht plays Don Draper without all that Dick Whitman stuff. As the NYT’s Ginia Bellafante accurately points out, Suits joins USA’s stable of blue skied fantasy second chances. There are lots of Mike Rosses out there right now without jobs who have to move back in with their parents, but forgive this Millenial if I’d rather see one of us be able to afford those suits. Besides, if I want something that depicts the world as it is, I’ve got Louie and Breaking Bad on the DVR.

10:30 PM

Louie (FX)

Cult comedian Louis C.K. stars in this grungier, more honest version of Seinfeld. Yes, we follow a comedian and his friends and family through their daily life, and yes, the show is framed by a standup routine, but Louie is refreshing in its honesty. Divorced Louie’s daughters are sometimes adorable, but alot of the time they’re annoying and a little slow on the uptake, and the show really shines when we see this relatively competent single dad wrangle his two contrary girls, his mother, his therapist, his friends, and his job. When I use the word grunge, I mean that in the kindest fashion. Louie is made on a very low budget, and C.K. is the primary force for everything on it: performer, writer, director, editor. When you watch Louie you’re getting as close as you can to a comedy auteur. For better or for worse, it’s an interesting experiment that rejects the absurd, manicured multi-camera Seinfeld model. And now it’s nominated for two Emmys. So there’s that.

vs.

Ugly Americans (Comedy Central)

Comedy Central closes out its animated block with alternate reality sitcom Ugly Americans that bears interesting similarities to wonderful webcomic Darwin Carmichael is Going to Hell, about a world where supernatural creatures just want to live in New York like everyone else. Obviously things can get a little difficult when your roommate’s a zombie, your girlfriend’s a demon, and you have to help the Blob find a job. While Darwin goes in the adorable, silly direction, Ugly Americans is dark and sarcastic, kind of like most New Yorkers.

These decisions are getting hard, huh?

If "Falling Skies" had more dinosaurs, I'd like it a lot more.

8 PM – Those Adorable Dinos That Kind of Remind You of Littlefoot

Melissa &  Joey (ABC Family)

Once again, ABC Family starts of the night early with a sitcom that is driven by 90s nostalgia. Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch) hires Joey Lawrence (Blossom and that NBC/WB show about him and his brothers you used to watch because it was part of the after school lineup) to be a manny when she is given custody of her niece and nephew.

Melissa & Joey hasn’t gotten a lot of attention because there’s really not much going on with it. The laughs mostly come from “career women don’t really get it” (done more effectively on Parks and Recreation) and “men don’t entirely get kids” (done by every sitcom ever.) With the retro 90s Nickelodeon block returning to television, Stick Stickly and all, this kind of nostalgia has legs, but does it really deserve to have them?

8:30 PM

State of Georgia (ABC Family)

Speaking of nostalgia, I often have issues deciding if things are Raven or not. Now former Disney channel star Raven-Symoné is back to help me decide. Raven plays an aspiring actress from the South (who didn’t have a TV show when she was young) who moves to New York City with her nerdy best friend. ABC Family gets double bang for their buck here sitcom-wise, at least on paper. By blending That’s So Raven with The Big Bang Theory and setting it in a sanitized Sex and the City New York, you’ve got a pretty solid (if derivative) sitcom concept. The pilot shows some promise when Georgia is told she’s too big to play the seductress in Damn Yankees and she ends up Mae Westing the producer. I could complain about the weight issues being played for laughs but it’s a sitcom. Everything is played for laughs. And c’mon. You know you missed Raven-Symoné. Just a little.

9 PM – Bringin’ Those Awesome But Easily Fooled T. Rexes

Franklin & Bash

So pretend Scrubs made awkward, drunken love to Boston Legal, smoothing out its political complexity and darkness, resulting in two guys who are more attractive and more likable than Zach Braff. Also Malcolm McDowell. You would never want these lawyers defending you (much like you would never want to actually go to Scrubs‘ Sacred Heart Hospital), but their antics are fun and ridiculous in a lot of charming ways. Franklin & Bash gets into trouble when it tries to deny its frat boy/pot head tendencies in favor of Boston Legal style “legal drama,” which always seems a bit out of place when these lawyers never seem to open a book because they’re too busy holding client meetings in their hot tub.

Also can we please talk about how Breckin Meyer is sooo much shorter than Mark-Paul Gosselaar? It’s great commedia dell’arte casting. Some of the series’ writers really know how to play it up as well. The more girls Bash lands, the more great one liners Franklin gets in.

(TV Geek bonus points if you recognize company antagonist Dominic Karp as Reed Diamond of Dollhouse, Homicide: Life on the Street, and pretty much every crime drama ever. I believe in Laurence Dominic.)

vs.

Royal Pains (USA)

One of the many things that returning hit Royal Pains has going for it is how effortlessly it confronts its status as a narrative of privilege. Though Dr. Hank is surrounded by people of means, he somehow always ends up helping “the help” (gasp!) as well as his concierge patients. It also helps that the dynamic between brothers Hank and Evan is so hilariously off kilter much of the time. If you’re jonesing for a House that doesn’t take itself too seriously, Royal Pains is perfect for you.

10 PM – Raptor Time

Necessary Roughness (USA)

One of USA’s new hour-long dramas, Necessary Roughness is the story of a therapist, Dr. Dani, who kicks her cheating husband out of her house right as she’s hired by a pro football team to treat their troublesome wide receiver, the not so subtly named T.K. With her teenage daughter failing out of school and her son hiding his clubbing activities, can she really afford to deal with another overgrown child right now? She will. In fact, she’ll take on several celebrity clients. Newscasters, NASCAR drivers, even an OCD defensive lineman. This show is definitely more estrogen based than the rest of this slot’s offerings, but after all that goofing around, it might be time for some good old therapy straight talk. Because if you don’t choose this show, things get dark and tragically complicated.

vs.

Damages (101/Audience [originally FX])

Unassuming, adorable DirecTV opens up its poison spraying frills to reveal the heavy hitting psychological/legal thriller Damages. (And you thought I was going to let that Jurassic Park metaphor go.) Originally broadcast on FX, Damages was moved to the satellite network after a ratings-weak third season, and they’re looking to warm their new home with style. The cast of the show has always been phenomenal, but you can always trust Damages to pull an interesting new guest star out of its hat. (This season it’s John Goodman and Dylan Baker at their most intimidating.) As they chase after their season one glory, its hard not to root for this atmospheric show that doesn’t need to lean on period details or life or death obstacles to bring high octane drama. Just make sure you see the episodes in order. There may be lawyers but this ain’t case of the week.

It’s kind of hard to explain the plot concisely so let’s just say that Glenn Close teaches Rose Byrne how to be awesome. Then she gets too awesome for her own good.

vs.

Rescue Me (FX)

Yeah, FX is aiming to take out one of their own. (Though it shouldn’t be that hard to do since DirecTV subscribers are the only ones deciding the Battle Royale.) Rescue Me, or, as it will always be known to me, that show where standup comics proved they could act, is on its seventh and final season, closing the timeline with the tenth anniversary of 9/11. (Though the show was about so much more, when your leads are NY firefighters and their families it’s a bit hard to not talk about 9/11. Especially when the lead’s best friend died in the Towers and appears in visions without warning.) Rescue Me is an incredibly dark and brutal show, and the final season begins with Tommy (Denis Leary) at one of his lowest points. (This for a guy who’s raped and been raped a total of three times.)

Rescue Me is also not really the kind of thing you can jump into with no awareness of the backstory and character relationships. Suffice it to say that every relationship on Rescue Me is complicated and more than likely completely dysfunctional. But isn’t that why we watch television? To work through our own trauma or feel better because of someone else’s?

[Note: I'm only including new, narrative television, so I won't be taking on Teen Mom. You're on your own for that kids.]

Tuesday’s Child is Atmospheric and Sophomoric (In the Best Way)

8 PM

Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family)

The teen cult hit based on the bestselling book series returns for more secrets. No, seriously, this show is built on the same story engine as Lost. You will not get answers quickly. You might not get answers ever. You have been warned.

Someone named A is stalking four upperclass teenage girls in a small town because s/he knows a dark secret that they share. Think of it as I Know What You Did Last Summer but with a smaller body count. Be prepared to be sidetracked from the mystery by some CW style complications including cell phone drama, out of it parents, and some great hot for teacher storylines. (Full disclosure, that teacher is played by CMU alum Ian Harding, a lovely (and very handsome) human being.) Beware, this show requires a pretty faithful viewership, otherwise you are going to be super, super lost. But with no real new competition, Pretty Little Liars can effectively own the 8 o’clock slot.

9 PM

Memphis Beat (TNT)

Jason Lee (Dogma and My Name Is Earl) stars as musician and detective Dwight Hendricks of the Memphis police force. The second season of this show brings more of the same as leisurely Dwight butts heads with Alfre Woodard’s Lt. Rice. Sam Hennings and DJ Qualls are the police supporting cast, and TV “that lady” Celia Weston (Modern Family) plays Hendricks’ beloved mother. The most interesting bit about this show is the pace and atmosphere. Much like shows like True Blood and Boston Legal (less so Rizzoli & Isles), Memphis Beat builds its stories around its setting. This means that the pace of the show is more leisurely than the multitude of cop shows set in Los Angeles and New York. It also means Jason Lee sings. So’s you know.

vs.

The Nine Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family)

Chloe King is a cat person. Well not like the horror movie Cat People, but she is a member of a small, hunted tribe of people with catlike powers called the Mai. Turns out human assassins have been hunting down the Mai for centuries, and Chloe is the Chosen One who has to save her people. While the show has some fun, Buffy emulating dialogue, in many ways Chloe King is a retread of very familiar ground and familiar plotholes. (Why are the humans able to defeat the superpowered Mai?) The show is workable for a teen audience, but when it goes up against USA, it’s a very hard fight.

vs.

White Collar (USA)

Remember Catch Me If You Can? Well take the last five minutes, recast it, and you’ve got the uneasy buddy cop show White Collar. Matt Bomer plays the Frank Abagnale surrogate and Tim DeKay replaces Agent Joe Shea (Carl Hanratty in Catch Me If You Can) who uses the ex-con’s skills for the good ole FBI. White Collar sizzles as a case of the week show, but it’s the cast that real shines. Willie Garson’s Moz is even more fun than his fellow conspiracy theorist Jack Hodgins (Bones.) Bomer and DeKay could hold the show by themselves, but Garson always makes me come back for more.

10 PM

HawthoRNe (TNT)

Jada Pinkett Smith and Michael Vartan star in this hospital retread. Though the cast is strong, ER and Grey’s Anatomy have exhausted most of the hospital tropes (and pun related titles. Seriously, HawthoRNe? C’mon guys.) Both Pinkett Smith and Vartan are great actors, and well…Marc Anthony’s there. But the writing of the show hardly ever reaches the quality of the cast, especially when the title character becomes a bit of a Mary Sue. But what can you do anymore with a doctor show? (*cough* Thank you Awesome Hospital *cough*)

vs.

Covert Affairs (USA)

This spy thriller from USA is a great pregame shot for the network’s other action hit Burn Notice. Covert Affairs is about new CIA operative Annie Walker as she completes assignments with her multicultural and differently abled team while hiding her real job from her working mom sister. Covert Affairs invokes the Bourne movies with almost pitch-perfect accuracy. (They ought to. They share Bourne producer Doug Liman, who has started to specialize in spy media.) Yet the heart of the show is its likable, incredibly competant heroine and gorgeous action sequences. Also blind, frequently shirtless communications specialist Auggie Anderson. Auggie is the best.

The best.

As the show spins back around to the reason Annie got into the CIA in the first place, Covert Affairs could topple Burn Notice for King of the Spies. (King is gender neutral term in this case.)

11 PM

Awkward  (MTV)

Jenna Hamilton (Ashley Rickards) is your typical awkward teenager, trying to figure out dating, math, and high school until a series of misunderstandings and a freak accident make everyone thing she tried (and failed) to commit suicide. Jenna’s forced to attend therapy with a clingy, stalkerish school counselor, her best friend starts to fight with her, and suddenly people are noticing her. In kind of a good way. Because of her suicide attempt. AWKWARD.

Yeah, awkward is right. This show is just on its first steps, so it’s a little unfair to judge it off of the pilot. That said….this show could be a perfect blend of Easy A and Heathers, but we’re living in a post Columbine world, a world that needs The Trevor Project. Lines like Heathers’ “Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.” become a lot less funny  as teen suicide became (thankfully) more visible. I’m not sure I can trust MTV to be as careful as they should be with this show. Yet, as Veronica Sawyer puts it so beautifully in Heathers “Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don’t know what it’s given me.”

See you on Thursday for Wednesday guys!

Yet another terrible heat wave has hit the Midwest and East Coast, and I want my readers to stay cool and entertained. How? Find some air conditioning, a drink with an umbrella, and watch some summer TV. The afternoon is easy. Either you’re by the pool or in the office or watching HGTV, but how do you decide when everything’s at 9 and 10 PM, set up against each other?  Let’s make sure you know what you’re getting into.

Monday’s Child Is A Little Bit Geeky, But Stronger Than She Looks

9 PM

The Closer (TNT)

The final (seventh) season for Kyra Sedgwick (but not necessarily the end.) TNT has ordered a ten episode season of a spin-off  series, Major Crimes, with Mary McDonnell’s Captain Raydor taking over for the fierce and fiery Brenda Leigh Johnson.

This season offers more of the same for fans in a lot of ways. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Pope and Commander Taylor are being shady and bureaucratic, Provenza and Flynn are being silly, and Sgt. Gabriel is the conscience of the outfit. The case of the week format works well for the show, but the season arc finds new complexity in a show that was always about fish out of water Brenda using her differences to get the job done. Thanks to the events of Season Six’s finale, Brenda’s found a little moral ambiguity, and in many ways this season is about weaning us off Deputy Chief Johnson and preparing us for the reign of Raydor. So if you’re a fan of the show, strap yourself in, things are about to get bumpy, especially in terms of our trust in the title character. Things are about to get dark.

vs.

Warehouse 13 (SyFy)

I have a soft spot for this steampunk MacGuffin of the week genre show, co-created by Battlestar Galactica and Whedon writer Jane Espenson. It’s one of those shows that is genuinely different from everything out there, much like SyFy’s originals used to be when they were still Sci Fi. (I’m mostly thinking of The Invisible Man, still my favorite genre show, including all of Whedon’s oeuvre.)

In the world of Warehouse 13, the Secret Service don’t just protect the President and other heads of state, they also contain and store strange and dangerous artifacts that appear throughout the United States. Artifacts that kill, maim, and make people think they’re superheroes. (It happened. Really. Photo proof: )

Yes that's Simon and Kaylee from Firefly, another project Espenson worked on

Warehouse 13 is at a pretty good jumping on point for newcomers, so if you’re deciding between The Closer and this little beast, it’s ready for you.

P.S. If you want extra geek points, watch Eureka just before it at 8 PM. SyFy is unapologetic with its crossovers. So if you don’t want to be lost, it might be required reading. Kind of like Buffy was for the Angel series in its early seasons. It did help to know why Seth Green was there. Also why he was a werewolf.

10 PM

Rizzoli and Isles (TNT)

The sisterhood / same-sex sexual tension driven crime drama is back for another season, and that Boston themed title sequence is still overkill, but at least the formula is a little different from the other crime unit based shows. Angie Harmon (Law & Order) and Sasha Alexander (NCIS) play a butch (for TV) detective and a femme medical examiner who solve crimes when they’re not dealing with the personal stuff, most of which involves Harmon’s mother, played by the excellent Lorraine Bracco (The Sopranos.) The show really shines when Rizzoli deals with her family, which is undergoing some pretty major changes this season. It’s fun to watch Harmon suppress her sadness and frustration as she deals with Dr. Melfi and her kid brother. Overall, Rizzoli & Isles lacks the depth of supporting cast that The Closer can muster up, but Harmon and Alexander are almost able to distract you from that. Also, did we mention BOSTON?!!?

BOSTON!!!! (Did you notice it’s set in Boston?!?! It’s very important that you know this is Boston!!!)

vs.

Teen Wolf (MTV)

I got so excited when I heard about this because I though Michael J. Fox was returning to TV. I was wrong. If it sounds like a warmed over Twilight / Vampire Diaries mashup, well, that’s because it kind of is. But it sure looks shiny. (It’s partially helmed by Highlander director Russell Mulcahy so it better be.) And sometimes it can be genuinely terrifying. Also the teenagers act like real teenagers, so their bad decisions are a little more justifiable. (More so than Glee, in fact.) If you can ignore some funky special effects, an unrealistic obsession with lacrosse, and really, really need a Vampire Diaries / shirtless man fix, Teen Wolf is your ten o’clock.

Or maybe it’s…

Alphas (SyFy)

So you really liked X-Men and X-2, but you were traumatized by X-3 and Wolverine? Disappointed by Heroes? Well SyFy may have an answer for you. Who could replace Patrick Stewart? David Strathairn of course! (Strathairn is the only actor I trust more than Ian McKellen actually. His voice is so soothing in this reedy, intelligent way.) In many ways, Alphas improves on the super-team formula by making sure each superpower has a clear, very dangerous trade-off. Unlike Heroes, season arcs take a back seat to case of the week, so it’s a good show to jump onto at your convenience. Also, there’s Ryan Cartwright (Bones)  as an autistic kid who can see electromagnetic waves (basically he sees the world as a huge iPad.) Mr. Nigel Murray lives! [Least annoying fanvid I could find. Sorry.]

See you on Wednesday for your field guide to Tuesday!

Don’t be confused Luke Skywalker! Just know I’ll see you again soon!